Challenges with Kids? The Nordic Fix

This parenting Aha! changed my life, and it will change yours too.

A message alert popped up on my phone, something to the tune of: “behavior issue”. It was from my boys’ teacher at their school in Finland, where I had enrolled them this past fall semester.

Burned out in the US, I had moved my family to my native Nordic country to learn how to live with balance and bliss, from the happiest people in the world: the Scandinavians.

“Ughhh, noooo,” I groaned, as I tapped on the message, walking along a beautiful, tree-and boutique-lined street through Helsinki’s city center, on my way to pick up my youngest son from his Finnish daycare.

I learnt that, with a few other boys, my two oldest sons—who were in the same second grade class—had been getting especially rambunctious after recess, pushing each other around, taking a long time to calm down, on repeated occasions.

As I opened the playground gate, to go grab my toddler son, who was freely running around with his toddler friends shoveling the muddy water in the dirt puddles (I know that sound crazy, but all Scandi parents’ swear that kids truly love it and I have seen that to be true firsthand!), one of his daycare teachers approached me to give me an update on his day:

“I just want you to know, he pushed a few kids these past few days.”

I noticed my heart beat increasing. We talked about it for a minute, and then, increasingly exasperated about this second bit of “bad news,” I needed to get on my way, to go pick up the older boys from their after-school club. They usually rode their bikes or walked home by themselves, as is typical in the Nordics, but today, I had suggested I come get them, so Jonas can go play in that park too.

I walk to another, much bigger playground a few blocks a way, and push the stroller towards the club director, to go say hi, and to let her know I’m there for the boys.

“Do you have a minute to talk?” she asks.

I take a deep breath, wide-eyed and blow it out in disbelief. I mean, this can’t be. Like, enough for one day.

I find out that the older boys’ rambunctiousness mood had demonstrated itself with increasingly rough play and unsafe street crossings at the after-school club.

You Birthed Them, You Fix It

I’m really into being an involved parent who truly guides kids in life, but, to me, it has always seemed grossly unfair to ask moms—and it’s usually always moms—to find an instant fix to non-preferable human behavior—anything from non-desired or just different conduct, or different pace of learning or communicating.

As if moms, who, by the way, are not trained in early-childhood education, unless you are a professional in that field, all had a magic wand and could instantly mold someone to match expectations however hard we try—and we do try hard, every time.

Impossible Expectations

I expected that the Finnish teachers at daycare, school and after-school club all wanted me to provide an instant fix—as that’s how, until now, I had been conditioned in all my previous experiences. They had their job, and I had mine.

During my parenting journey, to figure out what I needed to do with my kids at different phases and solve a myriad of parenting dilemmas, I read countless parenting books, worked with two different parenting coaches and attended numerous parenting lectures, even tried a therapy session with a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (“I need to make it calmer in my house, and I don’t want to give them screens, and I’m losing my mind,” I probably asked, when I had 2 under 3. The therapist gave me a mediation exercise). I also frequently consulted a life coach on parenting, and paid a fortune for sleep courses and consultants.

It’s been easy to drown in the advice of how to fix things: if you just follow these ten steps, your issue is solved! Except that, it usually wasn’t…

Until, one fine fall day in Helsinki, Finland, it all suddenly was.

The Aha! Moment

I can’t believe that no one ever told me this before.

Why was this kept from me all these years?

Why hadn’t one book or lecture or parenting coach ever mentioned this?

It was a concept so earth shattering and groundbreaking and life changing, that if trending parenting TikTok and Instagram posts would offer just this tidbit, and moms listened, it would literally change parents’ lives forever.

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Progress, Not Perfection

The next day, still feeling, I’m not sure, guilty, ashamed, frustrated and like I’m totally failing in my behavioral-molding-efforts despite trying so freaking hard (why can’t my boys always be rambunctious at the right time in the right place and never at the wrong time in the wrong place?), I asked if my toddler’s daycare teacher had a minute to chat with me further about what had happened.

In the first two months in Finland, I had come to count on them for genius insights.

“Did you tell me because you want me to fix his behavior, or because you wanted me to know about it?” I first kindly asked. By the way, I felt this was a really bold question, so it took me some bravery to actually ask it.

“Well, I’m sure you are working on this at home already,” she said, making it clear that she didn’t think I advocate or encourage my boys to push each other over, “so I guess, I wanted you to know about it.”

I then asked her why Jonas would do such a thing.

In Finland daycare teachers are highly educated in early-childhood education and in then Finnish language, they are actually not called “a teacher” but a word that translates closer to “a pedagogist” (pedagogy=the act of leading a child), or someone who is an expert at “raising a child”— and the teachers in his particular daycare have years, decades of experience.

“He’s doing it because it’s perfectly normal and what happens at this age. And then we just work on it, letting them know you can’t do that. And it can take some time to learn that.”

My eyebrows raise. Normal? I had been mulling in extreme mom guilt over something that was typical and age-appropriate and that wasn’t “my fault”. What was needed, wasn’t ten steps this or eight steps that, it was just guidance: “we can’t push someone”. Simple.

“So, can I ask you, when does it stop?”

I felt like I had worked on this for years with the older boys: it’s not like they are wild rascals at every moment, but they are active, energetic boys and while it was getting more rare, roughhousing doesn’t always happen in the most opportune moments.

“When does that guidance sink in, so they know that you can’t, for example, push someone, or roughhouse in the wrong places, at the wrong times? What does it take to fix it? When does it just stop?”

The daycare teacher took a beat, looked at me, and leaned in:

“Honestly? Never.”

I brought this up with Jonas’s other teacher, also a mother of three boys. She shared that with her three middle and high-school age boys, roughhousing still happens.

It doesn’t ever stop. There’s no fix. What you want to see is just little progress, a little bit at a time.”

Leave it to the Scandinavians to put even parenting in simple, doable terms that doesn’t overwhelm or cause anxiety:

The goal, in raising or leading a child, wasn’t to change or stop or even to mold, but just a little progress, a little bit at a time.

Repeat. And repeat again.

Elated, I shared this concept with the Finnish after-school club director, who, surprisingly, also 100% agreed.

“Kids are kids. Kids are naturally wild. The expectation should be for them to be a bit untamed. You repeat your guidance, and then you repeat it again, and little by little, they learn these things.”

Even the boys’ elementary school teacher seem to concur with this idea.

“I share these things so we can all work together to motivate them towards what we expect them to do. But it takes time to learn things. They are still very young.”

Goals

Without guilt, I was able to think more clearly about a simple parenting approach: an incentive. To help my older boys lean into smoother transitions from recess to classroom, and from classroom to after-school club, I made a motivational bet: I dared them to choose a calmer approach, which would earn their iPads back in a week’s time. Each relapse would extend the iPad moratorium a day longer.

After ten days, they earned their weekly iPad time back. And the teachers and after-school club reported things were going smoothly.

Did I expect this to be the fix-all? No, I did not.

Did I now expect to hear about or witness wild moments sooner rather than later? Yes, yes I did.

Did I feel intense frustration the next time all my boys rolled around like a level 5 hurricane? Ok, yes, sometimes—especially if I had just woken up, and poured myself coffee, which I really wanted to drink hot, and in my dreams, while sitting down, and not while locating bandaids and ice packs.

But I no longer fall into self-blame or think I can just fix it all. Or spend my few free moments reading more parenting advice.

This is normal, I remind myself.

I have kids.

And then I re-introduce myself to the Scandinavian parenting solution.

Don’t try to fix what you can’t fix. Just guide towards a little progress, a little bit at a time. As my dearest friend in Finland reminds me: “that’s what great parenting is all about.”

Let’s chat! Ever felt like me, anxious about getting your kids meet expectations or overwhelmed about all the endless tips on what you should do?

ACTION ITEM: let me know if you would try this!

Next time someone (a teacher, counselor, relative etc) tells you about your child’s non-preferable behavior, communication, or learning, ask if they are sharing that to ask you to fix it, or just to share. Ask what they would suggest as a solution to steer the situation towards the ideal direction. State your expectation: little progress, little bit at a time. Take time to think about what you think might work, and ask your kids the same. And stop googling. Trust yourself. Your gut instinct will guide you to motivate your own child, or to suggest ways others can motivate them*. And then move on. Until next time:-)

*Once, in a summer sports camp, a counselor told me that one of my sons started roughhousing during breaks. I asked if they would consider not making him take a break—a little guy with immense amount of energy, I guessed he just wanted to keep on playing. They promised to try that. They did, and progress was immediate.

x Annabella, come join me on Insta!