How I Raise My Intercultural Kids

There's no guidebook. Is it possible to bring up multi-lingual globetrotters that feel curious & confident in both Scandinavia & America, or wherever they are?

Hi Friends! In my last newsletter, I asked what you wanted to hear about and out of all the options, you chose raising “third culture kids” and “what my kids now do independently”.

On December 6th, at a Finland Independence Day concert in Helsinki (Finland turned 105 this year), where we took the older boys to listen to Sibelius.

I’ll dive into the first topic now, as we are packing our bags from nearly five months in Scandinavia, and heading back to the States via Switzerland. Next week, we are taking a little family vacation in the Alps as our own dreamed-up transition ritual—and this newsletter is on pause next Tuesday—and as I land back in the US, I’ll reveal in detail all the things my older kids aged 7 and 8 started doing independently.

Forget Labels, Create Your Own

As I started reading into Third Culture Kids, I also read about Intercultural Kids, Multicultural Kids, Bicultural Kids, and Mixed Heritage Kids—and the list of labels continues. While labels can be helpful for studies, I realized none of those labels accurately describe our situation, our goals, or our kids. So I will share you my story on how I set out to help my children understand more fully who they are to become all of who they can be.

I’m sharing this in the hopes that you might find inspiration and ideas on how to parent your children not only to embrace their different heritages, but even if they have just one, other cultures you all might just love.

Our Family Heritage

I was born and raised in Helsinki, Finland and moved abroad by myself when I was 19. Before settling more permanently in the US, I lived in 6 different countries—including the US—either studying or working. I studied six languages growing up. I built most a career in the US, and then also a family of 5 with an American man I met in the same Brooklyn building I was living in.My husband was born and raised in the US, and beyond frequent domestic and global work travel, has always lived in the US. Our 3 boys have dual citizenships, and hold both an American and a EU passport—just like I now do.

As a family, we had never planned to live in Finland, but we did set out to raise the children as bi-lingual, and introduce more languages as much as possible. I spoke to my boys in Finnish from the moment they were born, and have continued to do so—even if they reply back in English. I secured Finnish babysitters, and then a Finnish au pair, and read Finnish language children’s books. For shows, we chose mostly Finnish-language kids programming.

I knew they fully understood the language, but when my oldest turned 7 and 8 years old, and they still didn’t speak in Finnish, I knew we had hit a glass ceiling: this is as far as I could take it in introducing them to Finnish.

The Turning Point

Our trips to Finland had been few and far in between as half of my family no longer lives there (having relocated to warmer climates such as Spain), and those that do, don’t have extra space. Coming back home only to fit our entire family into a small Airbnb or a hotel didn’t feel that exciting, and what would we even do here exactly?

The turning point was when I realized that I didn’t need to rely on existing family or some existing house large enough to fit us all, for my kids to develop a relationship with Scandinavia—and the other half of who they are.

I could create an opportunity for them on my own, to develop a relationship with Finland that was all their own—which would also include family but was not driven by it.

Day-to-day Life or Vacation?

When I started sharing my ideas with others, practically everyone in the US suggested just signing my kids up for local camps (which tend to be half day and week-long), or just going to Scandinavia for a vacation. But I knew that wouldn’t cut it.

You simply cannot become intercultural, by definition, without spending a significant period of time in both cultures having a meaningful experience during your early child development years.

What I needed to do, was to create an opportunity for them to figure out Finland and Scandinavian for themselves, to fall in love with it on their own, for their own reasons, to develop the desire to speak the language without me, and to create relationships and make friends outside of who I knew.

That is how I would lead them to the other side of our language & culture glass ceiling, and would open the door for them, so to speak. And then I would just let them lead the way, to see what we kind of experiences we could create, stepping on the other side.

The School

It all started when my mom suggested they could do a semester in a school in Helsinki, and when, shortly after, a dear Finnish friend of mine introduced me to a Principal at his daughter’s school. He led the school with such energetic, positive vibes that I instantly knew that it would be the perfect fit for us. Could we come, for a little while?

Public schools spots are allocated to kids living within that school’s district—and I had still no idea where we would actually live—but a second grade class had space, and Principals are allowed to make a few exceptions. The Principal made an exception. My boys were in!

Once they got placements at school, I applied for the public after-school club. The placements got rewarded after they started the school, but I just trusted we would get those spots.

TIP: As long as they have space, many schools around the world will allow for visiting students, or students for half a semester, if you are not able to stay for a full year. You also don’t always have to advertise your departure date:-) In Europe, as long as you have an address within a school district, you should be able to get into that area’s school. When it comes to private school, it’s typically a matter of negotiating the tuition for the time you’ll spend there. During the pandemic, I had set up a few months for the kids in a California Montessori school (in the US, we live in Connecticut), but unfortunately last minute we couldn’t make that “mini-move”). It is more of a myth that you can’t take kids anywhere during the school year. As long as the kids keep learning (and most education professionals would say a child learns exponentially more in new country using a new language), it is in most cases not an issue.

The Daycare

I then asked a local Facebook group (specific neighborhoods, around the world, tend to have their own Facebook groups) recommendations for daycare, so that Jonas, my youngest son, now 2, could also have his own immersive experience. The most recommended one seemed like a perfect fit. I called, and instantly got a temporary spot.

This was possible because the daycare was private, not completely full, and slightly pricier than the public one (which is less than 300e a month). Public daycare requires the application to be in four months before you need the spot, and I was too late for those.

(I had ideated on this for a year, but I actually pulled all of this together 3 months before we left!).

As this is Scandinavia, it’s good to note that private daycare is no better than public; some public ones are often better than privates. However, the daycare I found, is a truly unique gem!

TIP: Nordic daycares are a unique phenomenon, but for non-school age children, in other places around the world, I would look for any other opportunities for the child to interact with kids his or her age or sign them up for nursery programs to give them a local, social experience.

The Apartment

The apartment was a Mission Impossible. Our first apartment that I rented sight unseen was a disaster, but then I bumped into a neighbor, who used his newly renovated family apartment only twice a year as a pied-a-terre—as they too lived abroad. “Would you consider renting it to us—now?” After some hesitation and negotiation, we sealed the deal, and got a dreamy furnished apartment that could just fit us all.

Adjusting to the Culture & Language

I admit, adjusting to the culture initially was a bit of a shock! I had no idea how wildly independent Finnish kids actually were—even though I was once one.

I had imagined the language, speaking Finnish, to be the kids’ biggest learning experience, but I was wrong.

That level of independence—that level of taking responsibility, awareness of time and place and surroundings, sense of time, and ability to react to time, making your own calculated decisions and just functioning and figuring things out like only kids years and years older would be expected to do in the US— was hard for my kids initially.

Even though I had raised them as independent as possible in the US (for example, they have gone to Montessori school, and I tend to let them be more independent in the US than anyone I know), it wasn’t the same as living life like this.

Culturally, it took a good two months for them to start adapting to the kind of life kids their age were living here and now, after 4.5 months, they are thriving—even though I think it would take another semester to fully catch up.

Just yesterday, at their class’s Christmas party, they performed a play in Finnish with their class which they had ideated, written, and directed with their new friends, sang and performed Finnish holiday songs, and ate the local kids’ Christmas treat of a breakfast: the snow-white Christmas rice porridge with cinnamon and almonds.

Mastering the Language

Learning to speak and fully communicate in the Finnish language happened slowly, on its own, as they became motivated to make friends, play with them and participate in class.

It was scary for them at first. At second day at school, my boys asked me to remind them how to say “can you play with me?” in Finnish.

We practiced and practiced, and then they started approaching their classmates at recess. I encouraged them to initiate these contacts: if someone says “yes,” great, if not, no problem: they just don’t feel like playing at that moment and then you just go ask someone else.

That said, initially, I felt like I also needed to help them make friends. And again, I was wrong. I might try to set up a playdate, only to find out they didn’t want to play with that person right then, or that they would have wanted to play with someone else. Whenever I tried to manufacture or structure their experience, which was my “American way,” they reminded me to let them lead the way.

Three, four months in they started coming home from school and the after-school club with their friends’ phone numbers and suggestions for an ideal time to play (in Finland, as kids’ are so independent, they all have cell phones and set up their own playdates; my boys got phone watches).

Mainly just because I couldn’t figure out how to get those numbers into the phone watches (not as straight forward as cell phones!), I helped them arrange the after-school meet-ups.

Whenever I overhear my boys play with their friends, they now fluently converse in Finnish: using the local slang, understanding the Nordic contexts, reading “in-between-the-lines”, grasping nuances, and making jokes.

With families that could be multi-lingual, I often hear someone say that learning another, lesser used language is not so important because “you don’t really need it”. But I feel language is everything: it’s the only way to start diving into a culture and to make it your own.

While they intuitively communicate in Finnish with anyone new they meet and in their own environments (school, after-school club, hobbies), they still speak to me in English.

Jonas, my youngest, is now my first and only child who speaks to me in Finnish, albeit at toddler-level, and with no accent. The younger younger you are, the easier it is for you to grasp a language.

So, What Are You

In raising intercultural kids, the goal, at least for me, is not so much about the things you typically read or think about with mixed-heritage families (namely: family, holidays, food, customs and so on, even though family especially is important too).

For me, it’s about allowing my children the opportunity to live in a bigger world because they can.

As you grow up seeing how different the world is, you can escape narrow definitions or ideals on how to live. You can pick the best of both worlds, or of all worlds.

You can see and understand people who are not like you, because you have also experienced being, if at least for a moment, not like them.

And you have learnt to trust yourself, that no matter where you are, you can figure it out, and thrive. All you need to do is decide what feels right to you. That’s when you can truly create a life that looks like you. And that is what I would a third culture.

xx Annabella

Do you also have intercultural kids or would like to add more global influences to your life? I would love to hear your story! Leave a comment below!

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