How to Make Real Friends, Scandinavian Style

Dalai Lama says one key to happiness, and to physical and mental health, is to have a person you can confide in. Are Finns so happy because they skip small talk for real talk? I decided to try it.

Jan 18, 2023

It was still sunny out, with white clouds floating across the clear baby-blue skies above the cream-colored Art Nouveau buildings, as I rushed outside of our city-center apartment. It was August, and the Scandinavian sun wouldn’t set until closer to 9pm.

Not in Helsinki in this pic, but just like babies need a deep connection with a parent, parents need deep connection with other grown-ups. We are all striving for deep bonds.

I crossed the street, after letting a tram pass by, and applied a quick coat of rose-tinted lipstick, on the go. It had been a tough job getting my three unwilling boys ready for bed with my au pair, so I could go and meet some new friends, and ideally, stay out as long as I wanted to, without a curfew.

“Thank god the restaurant is so close!” I thought, so I wouldn’t be more than ten minutes late.

One of my Finnish friends whom I had met years prior in Los Angeles, and who was now, like me, a mom of wild boys and an entrepreneur, had arranged a dinner, so I could meet two of her other Finnish wellness-minded friends—women, who also happened to be boy moms and multi-skilled entrepreneurs. I was excited. I wondered what it would feel like to meet new friends, in Finland.

Exchanging Pleasantries No More

In the past year and a half, as pandemic restrictions lifted in our East Coast neighborhood in the US, and people flocked to restaurants and bars to socialize, my husband started calling me “anti-social”.

I wasn’t “anti-social,” I tried to explain. I was craving to be social, and craving it so much in fact, that I just couldn’t bear another evening of small talk. I wanted true connection—or, perhaps being too uncompromising and unyielding, nothing at all.

At some point, maybe it was after having the third kid, I was simply too tired or too busy to meet people just to chat. I wanted, even if just for a moment, to dive into a world outside of the kids, to talk about grown-up things with someone other than my husband, to have aha!-moments, to get deep insights, to solve problems, to see new perspectives, and to feel energized from the synergy.

Hi! Don’t forget to tap the like button at the end of the post! It’s like saying “hi!” back:-)

Bond Building

I wasn’t looking for buddies to complain around with. But, I wanted friends I could share the highlights and the lowlights of life with. I didn’t want to say “great!” when they asked how I was doing, if, in fact, I wasn’t feeling that great. Or, if I was, I wanted to take a moment to share the day’s victory.

I wanted to converse about good moments and bad moments, positive feelings and negative feelings, and to discuss things that would have nothing to do with us: global events, memoir storylines, or even muse over wildly random things like the fact that, as one of my sons claims he saw a centaur at night on a field next to a country house, could centaur sightings really exist? And what seeing a centaur even means?

Sometimes, to see if a conversation with someone I knew could go deeper, I might share a personal challenge I was dealing with, and perhaps, some thoughts on how I was thinking to overcome it. But, it started to seem, I was the only one jumping in. Maybe, deep connections belonged only to childhood friends, and as grown-ups, it was unlikely to ever build up to that type of trust.

”You have to understand,” said my American husband, slightly surprised that after over two decades in the United States, I would expect something different. “People don’t like to share personal challenges here. They can listen to you, but they don’t tend to share those sides of themselves.”

Trick or truth

“Can that really be true?,” I soon asked my New York hair stylist, an American, with whom we would dive into all sorts of deep, insightful conversations every time I would see her.

Maybe she was semi-forced into these heart-to-hearts with me, because I was paying New York-level prices for the crop. But I didn’t think so.

“No,” she assured me, ”You just need to find the right people. They are out there.”

Authentic storytelling

I first spotted the large, glowing, pink heart-shaped mirror on the restaurant’s back wall. And then I spotted three blondes with glowing skin around a 4-top table, with pink & white plates and white peonies in a glass vas.

We introduced ourselves, ordered a bottle of Vinho Verde—a wine known for its crisp, dry taste & low alcohol content—perfect choice for four wellness fanatics. We quickly learnt that all of us had lived in Los Angeles at one time or another.

To get to know everyone better, I asked if we could all share our stories, how we ended up in LA and how we got our start there. I knew these these would all be good stories. I sensed everyone was an adventurous spirit. My new friends asked that I begin.

“Sure, OK, I’ll start,” I said.

Highlights and lowlights

Taking a sip of my Vinho Verde, I thought about how I would share my story. I had a choice to make. I could share an abbreviated, polished, pretty story of highlights—the kind of story that would make me “look real good,” or I could share the real, raw, authentic story that not only included the glam parts, but also the crazy risks and the naive choices, and the unbelievable encounters—both lucky and unlucky.

Whatever I would share, would likely set the tone for what everyone else might share, of themselves. I had just met them, true, but I did feel there was a chance to develop deeper connections, once more. To be all of who we were.

After all, I thought, I wasn’t sure when I’d come back to Finland again after this journey and if I’d even meet these women again, so, what was the risk?

Back in the US, I had once discussed the risks of sharing about yourself with my American husband. Knowing I had liked to delve into conversations like a journalist, ask a lot of questions, and share boldly, he then kindly and with my best interests in heart, warned me to think about how what I shared might make me look.

He didn’t want someone to potentially misunderstand a side of me, for example, or make an assumption about me, if someone could view an aspect of the story not favorably.

It was as if he said that, in America, it’s best to add the Insta “pretty” filter to what you share, meaning, edit what you share before you say it to a friend.

Lively liaisons

Craving for connection, and also for the opportunity to not filter—as I didn’t think there was anything I needed to filter—I went for it.

My story—which I will not share here, as it has nothing to do with incorporating a Scandinavian lifestyle into yours—opened the door to the next story, and the next.

After four hours of talking, sharing some of our innermost stories and secrets, the glam parts and not-so-glam parts, laughing out loud and almost crying, it felt like the four of us had known each other for years.

We sort of looked around amazed and couldn’t quite believe how great of a night we had had. And resorted to quickly book another night together: this time, the insightful conversations were to be had in a smoke sauna accompanied by dips into the cold Baltic Sea, and drinks by a roaring fireplace.

Ms Bond

For the rest of my time in Finland, for the end of summer, entire fall and early winter, I luxuriated in the deeper bonds I created all around me.

It felt like each week, I was able to fill the dwell of connection in my soul, and no matter what I was dealing with, highlights or lowlights of life, I felt like I had multiple people I could confide in and celebrate with, and who could confide in me and celebrate with me.

There’s an unspoken characteristic to Scandinavians, and Finns in particular: skipping small talk, they rather not talk, unless they talk about “real things.”

Just like everywhere, trust “to talk real things” is not typically developed in just a few hours, but what’s also true, is that no amount of small talk will ever build trust or a deeper relationship: only meaningful, authentic conversations do.

I couldn’t tell if the bonds I made were because that’s how Nordic people just preferred to communicate, or because the people I happened to meet were just willing to have these deeper conversations with me, after I fully leaned into trying to create a deeper conversation versus not talking much at all.

Lost Luggage

After 4 weeks, I sent a “mayday” Whatsapp to my closest Finnish friend. I joke that he’s my Oprah, and I’m his Gayle.

“You know what feels the worst,” I said, when we had a chance to hop on a video call a few days later, ”is that the innermost happiness and fulfillment I felt the past four and a half months didn’t last. It’s like the plane took off from Helsinki, and like lost luggage, my happiness just got left behind, without tags, and I feel like I can’t track it and get it back. And I’m trying here, I’m really trying.”

My friend listened. And listened. And then he said:

“You know, happiness has also a lot to do about having a close community and knowing that that community is close. The real, authentic bonds happen when you can show all the different sides of you. And when you can say the things that are circling in your mind out loud, it creates distance, and perspective: the thoughts are no longer just stuck in your head.

“Start journaling all your thoughts each morning, as a way to voice them, as an emergency backup plan for now, and call in those deeper connections. Because they do exist, somewhere, there, they do exist.”

Real Facetime

“Just like if you were dating, write down the qualities and characteristics of the people with whom you bonded, and with whom you already bond with here,” suggested my American life coach, whom I called next. “Start actively looking around for those connections,” she said, adding that she too wishes more people “could just talk about real things” in real life, like, “outside of a life coaching session too.” And then she noted:

“No matter where you are, it’s not worth giving up on having deeper connections and the happiness that that type of community brings.”

I then remember an old text message, that I had gotten from a somewhat new American friend I had made before we had left to Finland. After lunch, she had sent me a note, saying thank you.

“I love that we can talk about real things.”

Did anything in this article resonate with you? Leave a comment with the heart sign! And how have you made deeper grown-up friends?