Mental Bandwidth #2: Playdates, Entertaining & Social Life

Feeling like your kids' always-on-call social secretary and activities director? Here's how to take that off your list, and empower your kids to do that instead.

In Part 1 of Nordic Mom Hacks for Mental Bandwidth, I dove into how to manage everything possible related to kids’ schools, and gave examples of how to lean into being a Nordic-inspired mom instead of “the supermom”. I hope you enjoyed it!

In this newsletter, I’ll offer you a Scandi-style way to handle your kids’ social life, including playdates.

In the US, we consider managing our kids’ friendships a standard part of parenting—but messaging other parents, coordinating schedules and doing drop offs and pick-ups, especially for multiple kids, while handling everything else that parents need to do, takes a lot of time and head space.

While there’s nothing wrong about committing to this herculean task, there’s another way to do this—a way that frees up a lot of moms’ bandwidth and teaches kids incredible life skills all the while giving them reasonable agency over their own lives.

Curious? Read on!

While social relationships are important, Nordic-inspired parenting also allows for unscheduled, unsupervised & unguided time that enables child’s creativity and innovation—and relaxation. Furthermore, it is understood that moms need that time too. Moms make decisions about supporting kids’ activities and social life balancing the interests of their child with their own capacity and wellbeing.

If you enjoyed these Nordic mom tips for more bandwidth, don’t forget to tap the heart-shaped like button at the end!

“RECIPE”: How to Teach Kids to Arrange Playdates Independently

Before we consider how to do this the Nordic-inspired way, I’ll explain what it all looks like in the Nordics. Parents don’t tend to worry much about playdates: the time spent in daycare and preschool offer enough time for playing with friends, and late afternoons and evenings during weekdays tend to be family time. When playdates do happen, they tend to also be enriching for moms: friends get together while kids play, win-win. And, after kids start elementary school at 7 years old, they quickly take charge of their own social life—and both parents and kids tend to thrive with this arrangement.

Once I started leaning into this Nordic way while living in Finland, it freed up massive amount of head space for me. And after we returned back to the US, the extra work load I again needed to take on probably frustrated me the most.

Not that I didn’t want my kids to have an enriching social life, but I disliked the constant need to glance at my messages to coordinate with other people or keep an eye on the clock for pick-ups and drop-offs, with my kids endlessly asking for updates. If I couldn’t arrange something that they wanted, I was the “guilty” one. So, upon some reflection, I decided to change how I did things in the US, and invented this Nordic-inspired way of running kids’ social life.

Initially, it requires extra time and work from you—but it’s worth it!

1. Get Kids The Smart Watch aka Watch Phone

By third grade, kids tend to be absolutely capable of communicating about playdates on their own—so let them. While I don’t advocate for smart phones or any device with social media, I do advocate for phone watches for kids. They will allow you to instantly be promoted from a household executive assistant to a mom COO that oversees or helps if an issue arises, but doesn’t do the actual tasks. And, it allows your kid to master a lot of skillsets.

Check what kids’ smartwatches your cellular carrier has deals with—we have used both the Apple watch and the Xplora with great success. I like Xplora for younger kids because it’s so simple and has no distractions. I prefer Apple watch for kids that can benefit from other functionalities like the calendar.

TIP: I think it’s always a good idea that your child can contact you on their own if they are at a playdate away from home. You might want to leave for any reason, but don’t feel comfortable asking the adult present. If you are out and about independently, it’s critical if you need to reach a parent—and for general safety. Nordic kids have tremendous independence, but parents always know where they are, because they can be tracked with their device.

2. Add Contacts

Add your kids’ friends or their parents numbers into your kids’ contacts in the smartwatch—start with just a couple and practice with those.

3. Practice phone skills and etiquette

Before your kid starts using the watch phone independently, teach your kids what to do, and practice together—both with calling and messaging.

• when you call someone, introduce yourself and ask how they are

• then, pose your question clearly

• anticipate what information they need to know and have it ready. If you are asking a friend to come over to play at your house, know a few dates and times when they are able to be dropped off to your house, or when your parents can drive you to theirs. It might help to have a paper calendar for the week or month, where kids can mark these down.

TIP: I always suggest my kids first try calling, because then they can get the answer right away. If no one picks up, then I suggest they follow up with a voice or text message.

TIP: An easy way to do this on a weekday, is to have your kid plan a playdate straight after school, so then only a pick-up is necessary—however, they need to remind the parent to change the dismissal manager so the kids can leave together.

4. Communicate Your Intention to Other Parents

Before we got started, I alerted the parents from my kids’ contacts about our Independence Project.

“Hi! I’m currently teaching my kids’ how to manage their own social life, so they will be the ones coordinating the playdates. I know your child doesn’t have a phone, so I added your number into his phone watch. I hope that’s OK! If you need to check anything with me, that’s of course still completely fine.”

So far, I haven’t gotten any push back, though this works best with families you know well. Now, we have inspired two other families to do the same, and the parents are so happy that our kids are planning their own playdates!

5. Be Aware: It Works

I’ll warn you though, it’s funny when it first starts working well: suddenly some friends come home from school with your kid, and you ask your partner if he set something up for the kids. He didn’t. And you didn’t. And then you realize that your kid planned it all by himself, and can even tell you what time his friends are being picked up or what time they need to leave! Initially we would check in with the friend, but were always amazed how the kids got it all under control—as it sounded something like this:

“Does your mom or dad know you are here?”

“Oh yes! And I’m going to go home before my soccer starts.”

6. Free Play Times

In the Nordics, kids also often use group messages, which makes it easy to find an extempore playdate. And, if a larger group of friends is available, it makes outdoor sports and games so much more fun.

So, I recommend you also set up a group message and think of times when you can host all the available kids in your home or backyard.

7.Hosting Other People’s Kids

If you are the host, how do you entertain other people’s kids? You don’t. You don’t actually need to set up or arrange any activity—I never do, unless it’s a special occasion. Why? You don’t need to. Kids know what to do and how to have fun. Trust them and their extraordinary ability to play.

It’s a good idea to set boundaries however. These depend on the kids, but my typical ones are:

• free play needs to happen only outside and in our basement jungle gym (outdoor preferable and strongly encouraged)

• no screens

• if you get hungry, my sons can show you what to snack on from the pantry—everyone cleans up after their snack

• clean up all the toys or sports equipment together before pick up

• general respectful behavior i.e. if things get too crazy and wild, I always have a right to guide everyone immediately back outside!

TIP: I often check what outdoor clothes my kids’ friends are wearing when they come over, and recommend they add the extras we have (anything from the appropriate outdoor pants, to hats and gloves, or rain wear), before sending them outside.

What other boundaries or tips would you add?

Ultimately, the easiest way for your child to manage their social life independently, is to make your house and especially your outdoor space the place where all the friends want to come to.

8. Test it out

If you are hesitant or want to give it a trial run before getting your child their own device, try it all out, having your child use your phone to communicate!

Would you ever give this a go? What other tips would you add?

PS. Share this with friends who might feel overwhelmed with motherhood—and especially playdates!

Annabella Daily

Read more about how to encourage independence at home below: