Solution for U.S. Surgeon General's "Mom Burnout" Warning

Here's what you can do immediately to feel less "exhausted, burned out and perpetually behind": lean into Nordic-inspired parenting.

I was not surprised to hear that U.S. Surgeon General Dr Vivek Murthy has warned Americans that their parental stress has become an urgent public health issue. I know what he’s talking about first hand. 6 to 7 years ago, after I had my first two children, trying to be the “good American mom” while also working full-time, I had an intense burnout that wrecked havoc not just in my mental health, but my physical health. For years, I didn’t even know what it was: each doctor just tried to solve individual issues, and mental health experts told me to meditate. I kept staring at them in disbelief: my overwhelm was so intense that I didn’t even have any feelings and a session of breath work was not going to bring down my heart rate. I needed a systematic change. It took me years to recover, and, in a way, with some health issues and frequent bouts of fatigue remaining, I’m still on that path.

Besides the lack of parental supports like guaranteed paid family leaves, affordable, quality and reliable childcare, and more balance, flexibility and understanding for working parents, Dr Murthy talks about the culture of comparison as one of the critical factors that drives American parents, as New York Times says, “to their wit’s end”—as they try to keep up, across all economic brackets.

That part is the good news, because each individual family we can fix this, for themselves. How do I know this?

While I also first succumbed to this culture of intense parenting, I learned another way, when I started returning back to my native Finland, rated Happiest Country in the World.

There, as in the other Nordic countries, the moms and dads I talked to, didn’t talk about “surviving," they talk about feeling joy instead. And, for me, parenting there felt light, not intense.

Nordic countries have first-class parental support structures, but what’s more, they tend to mostly lack the intense culture of one-upmanship. I make a good case study, because I could not benefit from the former—I had my kids in the US, and I couldn’t not receive any of the benefits (such as childcare subsidies) during our stays there, because we didn’t officially switch our residency to Finland from the US. What I did massively benefit from however, was the light parenting.

And, even if Nordic wellbeing experts do see the “parenting as a project” style creep up on the shores of the Baltic Sea as well, they quickly and often warn parents to relax.

So here’s how I opted out of the comparison culture and freed up time and bandwidth, and lessened my overwhelm and anxiety, and my life’s intensity, and felt more joy—and how you can do it too.

(My account is about how to do less, and add more ease, Nordic-style)

Parenting without Comparison

Beyond keeping yourself off of social media accounts that make you feel like you need to do and be more to be a good parent, there is a very simple solution—that just takes some bravery to execute. Here are three steps on how you do it:

1. Choose Wellbeing over Sacrifice

In the US, I constantly encounter moments where it seems necessary to up my parenting game to provide a better chance of success for children. But most of these opportunities also require me sacrificing my time, energy, bandwidth and money—and even my sanity—to accomplish. These days, instead of just falling into that mindset, I reframe it as a choice rather than something we should do too, to keep up. And I remind myself of our priorities. In these moments, I ask myself:

“how do I Nordic parent this? What choice would I make as the “Nordic” me, and what choice as the “American” me? Which choice leads to more bandwidth and balance and which choice would just add to my already full plate?

For example, a lot of parents around me started switching their kids from the competitive town teams (called “travel teams”) to private club teams from around 8 and 9 years old—because they were considered more intense, with a better ability to train the kids faster into more advanced players.

“Wow,” I thought, “should I also book my child for those club team try-outs? He loves soccer and wants to be the best he can. If I don’t, is he going to be at a disadvantage and be left behind? Am I failing my child if I don’t do this?”

The club teams would have been a lot more expensive, a lot further to drive back and forth to, much harder to do with my schedule, a big hassle to coordinate childcare for other kids around, a disaster to haul them to, and far more difficult to be flexible with. And, I couldn’t find any evidence that wouldn’t allow my son to reach his soccer dreams within his current team as well, and on top of that, develop local friendships as a bonus. And, I knew I didn’t want my nights to be that intense. So we stayed put. Same goes for every activity: do what’s right for you and your child—not what everyone else does.

FUN FACT: if you are worried about your child reaching the top level in whatever he does—or getting in the high school or college team—just look at Norway. Tournaments are banned from kids under 13 to prioritize fun over competition. At the same time, Norway also breeds considerably more winter Olympic medalists than any other country in the world—and happy parents.

2. Just Let Your Child Do It

In the US, parents do a lot for their child to show how much they care, but also because how your child does, reflects on you—how good of a parent you are. But, who came up with that?

If you just step back, you achieve two goals: you help your child develop important life skills and achieve more autonomy—proven to make a child feel both meaningful and successful, and having the ability to figure things out.

You also free up a lot of bandwidth for yourself. Unless your child really needs the extra help, make homework an exercise in independence: it’s the effort that counts, not getting it all right. Let your child do a self-guided morning routine. Don’t decorate your child’s pumpkin for the school’s pumpkin contest: let him get messy and creative on his own. Don’t plan your child’s entire schedule: let him call his friends (or their parents) to plan the date, time and place. Don’t drown in housework: have your child do whatever he is capable of. And you don’t need to cut heart-shaped apples for his lunchbox, saying I love you and giving a bear hug is enough.

FUN FACT: If you feel doubtful, just look at the UNICEF report rating Netherlands, Nordic countries and Switzerland as having the happiest and physically healthiest kids*—also countries where kids are allowed to be the most autonomous.

*Note that the anxiety epidemic caused by smartphones and social media apps is present everywhere where kids—and moms—keep comparing themselves to others on Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. These countries are no different.

3. Enable instead of Enrich So Hard

Booking after-school activities for multiple, if not all, weekdays and scheduling a weekend full of “entertainment” takes an enormous amount of time, research, logistics planning and money. And we now know that all this effort doesn’t even lead to a happy and successful child: kids with more unscheduled, unstructured free time tend to be more creative, and have stronger ability to self-direct themselves and schedule their own time. If you allow—or direct—your child to independently play at home or in the backyard, or help or join you in your own tasks, you’ll develop your child’s ability to create his own fun and happiness, and your life will be way less intense.

For this fall, I made the choice to schedule one activity a week for my almost four year old. I knew he was old enough to actually want to participate in a sports class and would have fun. But, at our first class, I learned that everyone else had started at age 2. Age 2!

“Would he ever be able to catch up?” I first thought, until I caught myself.

I observed and he had no challenges in jumping right in, and having so much fun that he keeps asking when we can go back. It was the right age, and right time, for us to start. And, even though classes are provided up to 4 times a week, once a week if plenty for my bandwidth.

FUN FACT: If you are not sure what activities to prioritize, and how often your kids should do them, consider this: the Finland education and health ministry recommends a minimum of three hours of active, free, outdoor play per day for young children over any other activity.

Do you feel that American parenting has a lot of competitiveness in the from of comparison? Would you try these tips to lessen stress, anxiety and overwhelm?

PS. Want to share this with mom & dad friends who want more ease & balance?

Scandi Glossary

LET ME NORDIC MOM THIS= A way to reframe any choice with the focus on prioritizing your and your child’s balance and wellbeing

Scandi Smart

READ: This New York Time opinion piece by Dr. Darby Saxbe suggests a radical solution to the parenting exhaustion outlined in the U.S. Surgeon General’s health warning—and taking a cue from how hunter-gatherer societies in Central Africa do it. Yet, we don’t need to look that far: it is actually how many parents in the Nordics do it, in a very modern society: we live life with our kids, instead of mainly for our kids. It’s a fantastic and fun read! Have you read it?

WATCH: For a grounding and wildly moving Nordic experience, I highly recommend you watch one of my favorite movies of all time: Stormskerry Maja, a new release now on Apple TV. This Swedish-language Finnish historical drama film, directed by a female director Tiina Lymi, is not only the most epic love story you’ll see, but also about the motherhood journey, boundaries, personal growth, children’s autonomy, and finding all of who you are. It has the most stunning cinematography, and also reminds you of how much we can enjoy the simple things. You can get it with English subtitles (I watched it with Finnish ones). Would you watch it?

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x Annabella Daily