Teaching Kids Independence at Home, Scandinavian Style

Kids' self-reliance enables them to shape their own experiences, and frees parents to more balance and family bliss. Would you try it?

The doorbell rang.

“Jim, are you expecting someone? Did you order food to be delievered?” I asked my husband, puzzled why someone was at our doorstep last Friday at 4:30pm.

I was just pulling on my black knee-length high-heeled boots—which I had ordered while in Helsinki, for special occasions (like going out after 5pm!), as I noticed European women don’t tend to go out in flats. Now, it was my first night “off” after returning to America and I was going out with a friend—definitely a special occasion.

“No, I don’t know who that could be” answered my husband, as my older boys, Lucas and Miles, now 7.5 and freshly 9, ran to the mudroom door.

We heard excited greetings and it became evident that one of their friends, who I’ll call Max (not his real name), had arrived—for a playdate.

My husband, who was now about to be left alone with 4 boys nine and under, looked at me puzzled:

“Did you know Max was coming?”

In the US, where we live, playdates are typically carefully arranged by parents, because kids this young don’t usually have phones or phone watches simply because they are not alone anywhere, and because it often requires driving to drop off and pick up the kids, and scheduling all of it around both families’s kids’ umpteenth activities.

“No, I had no idea Max was coming over” I said, as I grabbed my car keys, throwing a jacket over my shoulders, “but now that I think of it, I think Miles asked me last week if Max could come over on Friday, and I might have said, yes, if you schedule it on your own.”

“I’m sure that’s what you did,” my husband said glaring at me, while picking up our testy two-year-old. “This is what happens when you tell them they are in charge of planning their own playdates.”

I defended myself.

“Well, yes, this is what I hoped they would be able to do, I just didn’t think they would actually take action the first time I said it! Now we just gotta teach them how to add it to the family calendar!“ I shout, half way out.

At the end, I can’t wait to get your thoughts on this! And remember to tap the heart-shaped like button to say “hi” back! Hi!

Teaching Kids Life Skills At Home

After getting back to the United States—knowing that opportunities for independence outside of the home would be very limited for our boys—I set out to handcraft routines that would both empower them to take charge of their own mornings, for example, and also free my husband and I from doing the things that they could easily do by themselves, teaching them important life skills.

Like every Scandinavian school and daycare teacher told me this past fall, and like I witnessed, when I taught my kids independence skills outside of the home in Finland, every child grows and matures at a different pace. And what every child prefers, is also different: some children love any opportunity to do it “by myself”, while others would rather live in a full-service Four Seasons luxury apartment, with a chef, house manager, personal trainer, chauffeur and secretary—aka parents or other caregiver doing it all, for them.

Sometimes, just like with us grown-ups, what they prefer changes day by day—adults just usually don’t have the latter option—unless we are, say, Gwyneth Paltrow (I of course do not know what help she actually has, and she definitely doesn’t live at Four Seasons anywhere, but I did read once that she has a house manager—which, I must admit, sounded absolutely dreamy.)

That said, no matter what, when a child feels like they are in the driver’s seat vs. the passenger seat (like when my kids started walking independently to school, without me), they are more aware, more responsible and more motivated—simply because they have to be.

At home, with parents’ around, this is sometimes very difficult to achieve.

How I Motivate My Kids to Be More Independent

I motivate my kids to complete routines on their own, by reminding them of what they often tell me:

“you are not the boss of me!”

When you are able to complete and thrive through your own everyday routines, by yourself, you do become “your own boss”—no one will, say, pack you the wrong lunch, nag you to get dressed, or tell you that you ran out of play time before school. You decide! You decide what you pack for lunch, if you get dressed or stay in PJs for school, and you manage your time so you either have time to play or not, before you leave. And Montessori-style—which is really just what happens in real life—there will be no other consequences except natural consequences.

What I do ask and expect is that my boys are ready—or leave not ready—by the time the car leaves for school. And, of course, a parent is nearby when you need it.

Morning Routine & Developing a Sense of Time

To plan out the new, independent morning routine, my boys and I started by writing down all the things we needed and wanted to do each morning, before school.

Using the timers on their watches, the boys then timed how long each task took, without rushing.

We then calculated the average overall time they needed, and backtracked into an ideal wakeup time (which informed our bedtime: we try to get the boys to fall asleep early enough to independently wakeup by the ideal wakeup time). Now, they use a timer or stopwatch to inform them how much time they have left, and we are slowly moving towards getting a sense of time by just looking at the time.

Getting ready-routine, in the kid’s own room: 10-15 mins to “wake up", make the bed, brush teeth, get dressed, turn lights off

Getting ready-routine in the kitchen: 20-40 mins to eat breakfast (and sometimes make breakfast), take vitamins & clean up

Right now, I either prepare and set up their breakfast—which is usually my superfood oatmeal that I make in bulk, a few times a week—and tea with honey (they current breakfast obsession), or we prep it together the night before so it’s ready for them to just grab from the fridge, like soaked oats. Cleaning up includes putting their dishes into the dishwasher, other items back to where they belong and wiping the table).

Lunch prep routine: 20-30 mins to prepare and pack their own school lunch and snacks into their lunch bags

To make this as easy as possible, l organized everything they need in separate baskets and drawers in their designated and labeled spots: lunch bags and silicone-covered glass jars to put their lunch foods in are in baskets on a low shelf in the pantry closet. Dry items like pita chips, dried chickpeas, and bread, are organized in multiple white wire baskets on the next shelf up. Cold items stored on low fridge drawers, that only have options for school lunch.

After the boys are done with lunch, the expectation is for them to put used items back where they below and—ideally—wipe the countertop they used for lunch prep. (Cleaning up can be the hardest thing to motivate kids to do, but as I often explain to my boys, there’s no invisible cleaning elf who magically cleans it all up. And mama is not that elf either. We all live in the house, so we all take care of the house.)

Outdoor clothes on & play & sports time outside: 15-45mins

In the US, we drive to school, so I was inspired to add outdoor time to my kids’ morning routine after, in Finland, the boys cycled or walked to school and our toddler started his daycare outside—no matter the weather—and after the boys’ teacher in Finland told me she never lets the 2nd graders stay inside longer than 90 minutes without an outside recess “because kids need those fresh air breaks to focus and learn.” Immediately after they get home from school, they stay outside too!

Yes, there’re windbreaker jacket and pants, mid-season jacket and pants, cold-weather jacket and pants, and rain jacket and pants, and fleece:-) Weather changes frequently these days.

What Kind of Day Do You Want to Create?

While the kids’ have structure in the routine and the expected ideal outcome (for example, you pack your own lunch), they have freedom in how they do it. Some routines seem more cumbersome to the kids, but daily repetition, and holding onto your expectation, adding a friendly reminder for them to do it, versus you, goes a long way.

• after-school routines: hang clothes (on low hooks) in your mudroom closet, empty your lunch bag and put away for the next day

• homework: complete it in a quiet place to your own best ability, and put it back in your backpack (it’s not about perfection, it’s about trying it on your own)

• sports prep: be ready before it’s time to go—put on and pack your own gear and water bottle, and get things ready for next practice when you return (we now only do activities they love so much they are motivated to be ready on time).

I’m also looking to add a weekly laundry hour for them to wash & dry their own clothes, and a weekly room-cleaning hour for them to clean their own rooms. We are also starting to teach them to make very simple meals, so they can get a warm meal quickly if they prefer to not eat what we are eating for example, or because it’s just cool to be able to make a meal for you and your brothers (the pride!).

Self-Reliance: Secret to Happiness

Now, back to that playdate. The more motivated kids are to do something, the quicker it happens: I still can’t believe how quickly Max and my boys—when given the freedom—took charge, figured out a day when they were all available, planned a time, asked their parents for the OK, remembered it and did it. And, along with teaching them to add it into the family calendar, I want to keep encouraging them to create their own days.

The ultimate goal in all of this, for me, is to free up my time from doing so much for my kids, so I can have more time to just be with my kids. And, perhaps most important, by enabling independence, I want to gift my kids this belief by one of the most influential Scandinavian children’s writers, Astrid Lindgren, which she installed in her most famous character Pippi Longstocking:

"I have never tried that before, so I think I should definitely be able to do that.”

Tap the heart-shaped like button now below, if you love this quote too! And, I really want to hear from you: what would you like to or what would you let your kids do independently? If your kids already do a lot of independent things (hey, you Scandinavians!), how did they get there? Please share tips!

x Annabella Daily, come follow me on Insta!