Train Kids for a Self-Led Morning
And drink your coffee hot, workout, shower and get dressed in (relative) peace.
Have you seen this trend on Instagram where American moms post about their elaborate efforts to wake up before dawn to do literally everything for their family? Do you find that aspirational or rather find yourself dreaming of starting the day giving everyone a good morning hug, and then retreating to drink your coffee and to get yourself ready—and then getting the kids to school?
If you are leaning towards the latter, I’m with you—however, it might seem impossible, especially as we rarely see that point of view covered on Instagram. But if you follow this Nordic parenting hack, you too will soon see a morning like that on the horizon.
Along with their partners, Nordic mamas free up the bandwidth for their own morning routine by not doing things for their kids that their kids are capable of doing for themselves. Little by little, starting at very young ages they train confidently independent girls and boys that by the age of 7 can typically not only get themselves ready but also get themselves to school, on time.
That said, knowing that kids’ hardly do what we say, how do we actually get them to adopt these self-reliant habits? By following another Scandi tactic: after practicing together, we “let them loose” by trusting our kids’ abilities, lowering the bar to success before increasing it as they grow, and then allowing them—when things don’t go according to the plan—to learn by natural consequences, only stepping in if absolutely necessary.
10 Steps to Independent Morning Routine
A lot of parents on this social post asked me how I got started training my kids to achieve that dream morning—and even though there’s never been a morning where everything goes according to plan, it’s getting close. And, because every family, child and morning is unique, use these purely as thought-starters and adapt them as feels right to you.
These ideas are a combination of tips I have received from other Nordic moms and kids—my boys’ Nordic friends, adapted from Nordic parenting books, learnt through Montessori ideology and teachers (similar to Nordic ways) and ideas I came up with on my own or in collaboration with my kids through countless iterations of the morning routine.
Make a list of the ideal morning routine tasks in order, and edit it to what you think your child can do such as: brush teeth, make the bed, and get dressed, get/ make/ eat breakfast, empty the dishwasher, make & pack school lunch, and clean up.
Create a guide with visual and word cues: I find icons from Google Search and add then next to a simple word cue like “breakfast”—I print it out the list and sometimes laminate it—and display it up in their bedroom and kitchen. Once it becomes a habit, they don’t need this anymore.
Think through each step to make it easy to accomplish.
For example, getting dressed for young kids: I hang 1 or 2 outfits on a toddler clothing rack for my 3-year-old. He can then “choose” an outfit, and put on his underwear, socks, and pants, but has tough time with his shirt. I help with that and whenever possible, we practice how to put it on. He can also put on his own shoes and jacket, but sometimes needs motivation: simple cues can work: “put on your shoes on while I…" or “can you show me how you put these on?…(I also keep my older boys’s clothes hanging: easy to see, choose and put on).
For example, making school lunch for kids 5+: I decide with them what they will pack for lunch, create a reminder card, and keep those items in a reserved section in the fridge and pantry.
Talk about your new change in routine & tell your kids they are ready, and that you’ll practice together.
Train the kids step by step. Once they can do it with you, have them do it alone, and then only remind them in between steps. Then, remind them in between a few steps and so on.
Time it: kid can take forever to do something and they get easily distracted. Understanding time helps—how long does each task actually take? You can help them by using an alarm or stopwatch for the steps initially.
Motivate your child based on their age and development, and day:
For younger ages, I have found success in a simple pom-pom jar: “add a pom-pom after each step!” and then think of a simple reward for when the jar is full. Or the old-school star sticker chart.
For older kids, I feel nothing motivates for long: I have tried everything from getting points for screen time to getting a little piece of chocolate, but feel that by 8-10 years old, it needs to come from intrinsic motivation: “oh, I see you are wearing PJs to school today. You don’t have time to change anymore, but I like your look! Shoes on, let’s go!”—you’ll likely see them get dressed in seconds. Or, “you spent time doing X and now you only have ten minutes for your whole routine. But you are quick, so I’ll estimate you’ll only be 20 minutes late!”—and kids tend to do whatever it takes not to get the “late” mark at school.
Once you unleash the kids to do their thing, focus on your own morning and don’t back-seat drive. This is the hardest thing to do, but I have noticed that as long as you keep reminding them, they don’t focus the same way because you are doing it for them.
Accept that some steps won’t get done sometimes (e.g. brushing teeth or hair), or won’t get done to your standards (chipped plates, poor choice of lunch meal) and you need to figure out what you can live with—what you can give them independence with. You will be worried that others will judge you for your care-taking: if so, you can share that you are trying out the “self-made morning!” You are giving them the opportunity to proudly take care of themselves. What a skill! And, of course, you can still keep doing what you really love to do for your kids, or what your kids really need. I for example, in our current routine, put out their breakfast (i.e. banana bread or soaked oats if we got it prepared in advance, or just granola if not) & their vitamins before I go work out.
Set a goal post for you: what makes the mornings this week a success, and what you will do with the extra bandwidth you get—and then celebrate the small independence wins for you and the kids together!
Would you try this? Already doing this?
PS. With practice, opportunity & natural consequences kids can be unbelievably capable—if both parents let them! Get your partner on the same page before you start:-)
Scandi Glossary
SELF-MADE = made such by one's own actions & SELF-RELIANT = confident in your own abilities & able to do things for yourself
Kids can also be “self-made”! Nordics consider practicing self-sufficiency with their children as one of the most important life skills: it’s not about getting your child to do “chores”, it’s about teaching your child how to be part of the family and the society. Children don’t get the feeling of being competent just by learning academics & succeeding in after-school activities—they also get it by being a valuable, needed & useful part of their family & near circle. This also changes the role of the parent from someone who does things for their children, to someone who helps their children keep expanding in their capacity to be self-reliant to confidently thrive in the world.
Scandi Smart
READ/ LISTEN: Jonathan Haidt: The Anxious Generation—Haidt speaks about how “children and adolescents need more opportunities for independence, free play, and responsibility” to battle the increasing rates of anxiety and depression in kids. Don’t skip the final chapters for the phenomenal independence tips! If you have already read or listened to this book, what did you think?
WATCH: @fleurdellie —American mom of three living in Copenhagen, showcasing how even little kids have developmentally good amounts of independence with the Danish playgrounds and parks and so much more about the Nordic lifestyle with kids! Do you follow Nordic or European moms or American moms overseas, and if so, who?
SHOP: Have you heard of Barefoot shoes—a big trend for kids in the Nordics, because they feel like walking barefoot while protecting the feet, and are made specifically for kids with the right foot development and sensory feedback in mind. You can see we use the Finnish Reima option here, and get 20% off with code ANNABELLA20 on the barefoot shoes, but also barefoot sandals, water shoes, and waterproof high-top sneakers and all summer and outdoor wear. Here’s a guide on how to measure your child’s feet for the right size shoe order.
It's good to see you again! What is the Scandi suggestion for when they miss the bus? I would have to drive them to school but that doesn't seem like much of a lesson.