What happened when I tried to parent my American boys the Scandinavian way
The wild ride of teaching the basics of independence, freedom and responsibility.
Note: I am generalizing and my boys are extremely active. This post doesn’t mean that all kids brought up in America lack these life skills, or that all the Nordic kids have mastered these. This is my personal experience with my family.
The teacher calls
I was taking a well-deserved afternoon nap - after averaging 5 hours of sleep a night for the first two weeks with jet-lagged kids and setting our lives up in Helsinki, Finland - when my phone rang and woke me up.
“Haloo?” (That’s Finnish for “hello”.)
“Do you have a moment to talk?” It was the teacher of my two older boys.
Oh no.
“Yes, of course!”
“I was wondering if your boys have ever been on a field trip where they need to walk safely with a bigger group in city traffic, safely use local transportation and visit places like museums and publishing companies?”
“Well, no.”
Sheltered kids in the States?
In the US, my boys’ first school in New York City and their subsequent school in Westport, CT, required a parent to attend any field trip the kids would take and be responsible for them. The trips were short and simple: a short walk to a local playground, or a quick drive to a local nature center or farm. Beyond school, kids are under constant adult supervision.
In Finland, I learned, my 7 and 8-year old boys would go on frequent all-day field trips in the city, with just the teacher. And it hadn’t gone so great.
Having learnt to navigate city traffic in pre-school and first grade, the local kids walk in pairs, forming a line, and take their seats in a tram in the area designated by the teacher. A parent would never be asked to attend; it’s not considered a parent responsibility; when I suggested I could attend, feeling bad that my boys couldn’t quite go with the flow, it was a “no.” While in transit, the local kids also keep track of their own belongings like their backpacks, and then get familiar with places from libraries to museums to businesses, with a lunch break on the go.
Brought up in America, my boys, 7 and 8, had never had an opportunity to practice these life skills to develop the awareness and the understanding to independently guide themselves in these situations.
How do kids’ practice independence and responsibility?
This is not to say that the American or the Scandinavian way is better or worse, but I didn’t realize what a massive gap in life skills my boys would have, moving to Finland, when they haven’t had the opportunity to independently do things like go and play at a playground, hang with friends without supervision, walk to and from school or other nearby places, or frequently use public transportation. In the US, it’s simply not possible in most places for multiple reasons - or even legal (yep, google it).
In a very Nordic manner, the teacher said she didn’t realize it either and kindly pointed out that this is something we - me at home and she at school - can help the boys practice. And that it comes with time. And that other kids their age, here too, are still learning to master some of these skills.
That said, I continue to be shocked at how independent & responsible young kids here are, and I’m trying my best to catch my boys up. But we are nowhere near ready to even start practicing walking or biking home from school yet or independently meet with friends at playgrounds or elsewhere - something that many kids here - at these ages - do.
Based on my Instagram poll, many parents in a bigger city like Helsinki, walk or bike their kids to school, and the kids independently get themselves home. First and second graders can take advantage of highly subsidized after-school programs from which you can pick them up at 4 or 5pm, but all 3rd graders - kids Lucas’s age- are expected to be in charge of themselves after the typically very short Nordic school days, as usually both moms and dads work. And babysitters for kids this old is not a thing.
What happened when I tried to let my son walk alone in the US
So, it’s not like my American husband and I didn’t try to prep our sons. Last season, Miles’s soccer games were on a field a mere 4-minute walk from our house, through a path in between our neighbors’ homes with no street crossings. My husband dropped him off and started coaching Lucas’s simultaneous baseball game, on the next field over. After Miles’s game I got a very frustrated call from his soccer coach asking why I hadn’t picked him up. “Oh, he’s walking home! We are super close.” Not a chance. “Well his dad is right there. He can just walk to the baseball field.” Nope. The child can only be handed to a parent.
“This can’t happen again; make sure you make appropriate arrangements for next game”. Got it.
The only way he could practice walking independently was with me picking him up, then driving back while he practiced the walk by himself. Here in Helsinki, I now bike behind the boys to school, while I observe and guide and correct. We are starting from the basics (and before you judge, this is where my life is at now, and you gotta start somewhere!):
We only bike along the bicycle path: no stunts and no burnouts: quickly breaking & sliding sideways (Most sidewalks here are divided between a pedestrian path & a bike path, and when there’s no bike path, kids under 10 can bike on the pedestrian path, making biking a quick and in general a safe way to get around.)
Stopping before street crossings and looking into all directions - and walking your bike over the crossings instead of jumping with the bike from the sidewalk onto the street (& landing face down on the tram tracks - which happened)
Wearing gloves when it’s cold, so we can hold the handlebars without tucking hands inside the sleeves (& flying facedown over the handle bars - which also happened) - and no biking without holding the handlebars!
Using the tram like a transportation system & not a parkour course on the move
Walking without using the side walks as personal track & field arenas and waiting for lights to turn, or waiting in line when it’s required
Keeping track of our backpacks like not leaving them on the bike or in a tram (must say Helsinki’s lost & found system is top notch and already recovered the kids’ bags once)
Keeping track of bike keys (which already got lost once; I tied the keys into the backpacks with long lanyard lane leashes so at least the key & the backpack always move together. So far so good.)
I of course would love to expedite the process of teaching my boys independence and responsibility. So leave a tip. What do you do to nurture these life skills? Nothing like when your kids says “mom, I got this!”. Your insights can help parents (moms) everywhere.