Nordic Mom's Take on US Kids' Sports

Let's unlock the truth: competitive youth sports thrive when bulldozer parents step back. If you want champions, model Scandinavia's winning hands-off formula.

May 23, 2023

The sound was deafening. Parents stood up from their folding beach chairs by the soccer field sidelines, shouted, clapped, woo-hood—so loud, you (almost) could have mistaken it for the World Cup semi-final.

I noticed myself standing up too, and, yes, making much noise. I saw one of my sons running through the field arms open, with a massive smile, high-fiving and hugging his team mates, all in could nine for having just made a goal.

I can’t believe I’m saying this as Scandinavian mom who prioritizes childhood balance and free play over almost anything, but the competitive travel soccer team my 7-year-old son had gotten himself into through try-outs was super fun—for him and also for me. What’s more, I had not anticipated the coach being so focused on the boys “just having fun”, or the other team parents fully supporting every player on the team.

The bad rap of American youth sports

Pretty much everything I have read about American youth sports has been negative. Even if I hadn’t experienced much of the world of mini-sized athletes, it sounded just about right: American hustle culture, kids’ version. Not wanting my kids to be swallowed up by all the pressure and intensity I had read about, I initially encouraged them to just keep pushing their athletic skillsets on the backyard, rather than in organized sports.

After we casually tried ice-hockey for a few winters so my boys could learn to skate, I pulled my boys out, because it was just too much driving, too much gear for them to manage independently, and the travel team (the competitive team), which my oldest was invited to at age 7, would have required out-of-town games on Saturdays and Sundays, on top of a few practices a week, which were only going to intensify each season. (And, the dressing rooms were smelly.)

For a Finnish mom who competed in figure-skating, this was crazy: if there’s one intense sport even the relaxed Finns lean into, it’s ice hockey, so much so, that Finland breeds players into the NHL and it’s own national team, one of the most successful in the world.

Entry into the Travel Sports

Our organized sports-free lifestyle didn’t last long. Out of ice hockey, my naturally sporty, athletic, and competitive boys wanted to try all the local sports. They quickly identified their favorites, and just as quickly, asked to “play harder” or “for real”.

So, my son, Miles, now 7, joined the travel soccer team and PGA Junior golf, and despite me thinking it’s way too much, asks to play in the town’s recreational kids’ baseball games as well.

My oldest son, now 9, announced that he was no longer entertaining any other career options except that of a professional golfer, after which he’ll “retire”, so he plays PGA Junior Golf and asks to take clinics every day possible, and, on top of that, he plays baseball, dreaming of the travel team.

The huge benefits of youth sports

I set out to be a supportive parent, and within reason, arranged our schedules to make their sports practices, games and tournaments work. I blocked two afternoons each week for each kid to just free play at home after school, and I rush them to bed after late games, so they can still get enough sleep.

As I settled more into my “sports mom role”, I frankly wasn’t sure what all the negative fuss about youth sports was about. These local outdoor sports were actually solving a lot of my “Scandinavian mom problems”: they keep the boys outside, active, and screen-free, provide friends, and build their independence, “sisu” (or grit) and sportsmanship.

My oldest boys, sampling golf at a younger age.

How bulldozer parents mess it up

I began to believe that competitive outdoor sports were perhaps a great solution for so many of these modern childhood challenges (screens, loneliness, lack of play time with friends, being stuck indoors, and lacking a lot of life skills), and should be encouraged for all—until a kids’ golf tournament I went to last week.

In two hours and five holes (the goal was six holes but the team ran out of time due to much fighting about the scores), I saw literally what all the negativity with kids athletics was all about. But it had nothing to do with sports—and everything to do with parents. Bulldozer Parents.

Bulldozer parent, per WebMD = attempts to remove as many challenges and obstacles from a child’s life as possible in the hopes of guaranteeing success and minimizing frustrations and failures.

I had volunteered to drive a team of 6 kids, including one of my own, in a golf cart from hole to hole, and suddenly two bulldozer moms appeared, one after another.

The tension was so palpable form the get-go, I should have guessed what was coming.

As the teams were scoring themselves at hole two, there seemed to be some confusion, so I took out the scorecard and a pencil to help each team define were they were at, and rate themselves fairly.

“Oh, in our club, we move the ball if it’s in a rough spot,” one of the bulldozer moms said, and encouraged her son to pick up the ball by stone edging, and move it a feet or two further into the fairway.

“I don’t think that’s how the rules work,” I responded kindly and quizzitively.

The mom ignored me, and I didn’t want to start a fight over it, so I moved on.

At each hole, the moms doubted the score, or the kids’ scoring of themselves. They kept asking how long my kids, who were 4-5 years younger then theirs, had played golf, how much they practiced and how much I knew about the sport.

“That kid on your team definitely hit the ball twice, so our team wins this hole. I didn’t see him hit it, but he definitely would not have gotten it this far.”

“Uhm, no, I saw it,” I responded. “That was his best shot of the evening. He hit it right there, see?”

She leaned in to “whisper” to her friend, loudly, a few feet from me.

These guys are lying, they are totally lying.”

The pattern continued, until I finally reached my limit:

Excuse me, but the point of this tournament is for the kids to learn to do this independently and have fun, so it’s best you discuss any issues with scoring with the club pros.”

If you have kids in competitive sports, I would love to hear about your experiences. I have chatted with Finnish hockey and figure-skating moms on Instagram, soccer moms in Connecticut and golf parents. Do you find it too intense? Is it parents or the coaching or the team? How do you create balance for your kids? What’s the point in having your kid in a competitive sport? How much does success or winning matter?

How to put the fun back in youth sports

One thing in common with many champion athletes is a parent who loves and excels in that sport and truly cheers them on. But what no champion has, is a parent who removes obstacles to get them to win. To actually excel in sports, you must be able to do it on your own, and to want to keep going, on your own.

If bulldozer parents step back, competitive youth outdoor spots give kids so much of the good stuff that childhood is supposed to be about—and, as Norwegians say, “lifelong sports enjoyment”.

And if that doesn’t mean anything to you, because the goal remains to be a winner no matter what, maybe this does: with 80% of Norwegian kids 6-12 years old participating in “sports fun”, with rankings banned before the age of 11, and the focus being on skill acquisition and play, Norway churns out more winter Olympic champions that any other nation in the world.