Nordic Way for Valentine's Day

60+ cards or treats for kids' schools? Sorry, but no thank you. Here's a more stress-free way to celebrate Valentine's Day traditions without missing out on all the fun.

Photo credit: Jonas’s preschool teacher who sent me this picture of his Valentinne’s for his class after receiving them. Her thoughts? Read till the end:-)

I’m not sure when exactly I started dreading Valentine’s Day week in the US, but I’m pretty sure it aligned with when my kids started school. Gone where the days when a handsome date would take me to a candle-lit Manhattan restaurant, with floor and tables covered in rose petals. Instead of being served a glass of champagne, I started getting served this—from my kids’ teachers:

“Valentines are created at home for every student in your child's class, refer to the name list is attached.”

Looking back, I think my first reaction to getting an email like this—for a three year old at preschool—was utter confusion. Why am I, an already overworked parent, getting homework? In what world am I going to motivate a kid, who’s average attention span is 6-8 minutes, to create 20+ Valentine’s for his classmates? And what kind of Mary Poppins will manage to do that, when you multiple the number of kids—and cards—by three, and add in sibling fights and rough & tumbling to the distractions during said art & crafts project?

In the Nordics, parents are considered exempt from daycare and school projects; even homework is usually considered an exercise in independence—and gifts are often not even allowed as that could highlight inequality.

I suddenly started dreaming of (brief) sicknesses or last minute travel during Valentine’s Day week.

“So sorry we couldn’t participate. It sounds like a magical day!”

Irony aside, I understand that Valentine’s Day card exchanges can be a truly lovely occasion for students that make them feel included, loved and appreciated. It’s wonderful that teachers make time and space for such beautiful events that increase the class spirit. And it should be pointed out that not every Nordic mom in the US feels the same way I do: some love doing these types of projects with their arts & crafts loving kids, and it works for them.

However, not every family situation or every child is the same, and the price for class celebrations should not be adding unnecessary stress or expenses for moms.

At least for me, nothing kills what’s left of my Valentine’s Day spirit more than trying to bribe, force, or threaten my boys to sit down to create countless cards that they don’t want to do, or feeling like I’m beholden to creating them all, and either feeling awfully guilty or like a non-involved parent, for my boys not bringing cards—or potentially worse, taking the time to shop for countless cheap gift items that quickly end up in trash. It feels like you have been completely cornered with no way out of mom shame.

Now, trying to make peace with my strained relationship with Valentine’s Day, I have come to learn that there is a Nordic-inspired way to approach it. It minimizes parent shame without stealing any of the fun from the kids—or, in the least, gives them autonomy over how they want to celebrate it.

If you fall into the last two categories, ready to try a Nordic-inspired approach?

In general, Nordics believe that parents taking interest in their kids’ school is paramount, but you don’t see parents making kids’ Valentine’s Day cards or decorating their Halloween pumpkins for the school contest—because they don’t exist. It is also understood that kids should have the opportunity to influence matters related to their own lives, so their opinions are often taken into account when planning celebrations and the ways they should participate.

1. Influence a New Approach

In most if not all schools, each class selects a class parent or two. In the beginning of the semester, see if you could open up a conversation about new ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day or other class celebrations (I will try this next school year) that’s more manageable. These ideas are from you, from both American and Nordic moms, based on my Valentine’s Day-themed reel on Instagram.

• Each kid makes or brings one thing—a card, a small gift, or a treat based on the class rules—and the teacher shares them randomly, so everyone in the class gets one thing.

• Each kid creates a card at school and chooses who it is posted to—a special person like a grandma.

• Kids are asked to not buy anything, but to use what they already have at home to make simple cards.

• Teacher could use the celebration time at school to open conversations about important themes about friendships or guide games that strengthen the class spirit and connection.

2. Relinquish Control—and Guilt

Even if it’s (really) hard, let go of the guilt that can come with Valentine’s Day preparations. When it comes to schools, it their party, not yours. Unless you really enjoy it and have the time for it, you do not need to make your kids’ cards or shop for gifts.

It does not mean you are not an involved parent if this is not something that’s in your bandwidth. There might be something else that serves your family better instead. For example, there was a wonderful snowfall the week before Valentine’s: building snowmen with my kids was a much more fun way for me to be an involved parent, rather than hard-pressure them to make said Valentine’s Day cards.

3. Honor Autonomy & Preferences

Have a conversation with your child: they know, but explain again what is happening in their class and ask how they want to participate. Based on their preferences, decide what level of help you can provide, and encourage independence. They might also not want to take a project like this on, and that’s also OK.

My oldest son, who’s on fifth grade, told me that his teacher had told them to either bring a card for everyone, or none at all. He said he is choosing to do none at all, as he feels making about 20 cards was way too much, and he didn’t want to do it.

However, the day before the event, the teacher emailed parents asking students to bring the cards, and saying that it had been their homework for the past two weeks to create these cards. My son still insisted it was a student’s choice, so I let it go, not having the bandwidth to dive into this Valentine-Gate further.

My middle son also had no interest making cards, so I decided not to force it either. I also felt like it wasn’t my job to do 40+ cards for them—the cards are for their classmates, not mine. Is it right if some kids in the class make a card fo everyone and others don’t? That’s a dilemma we would not have, if we chose a more manageable approach for everyone.

For Jonas, my youngest, a preschooler, I opted for something super simple, that took us all of 5-10 minutes, inspired by your ideas.

RECIPE FOR VALENTINE’S DAY CARDS WITH NORDIC STYLE SIMPLICITY

1. Cut squares from grocery store paper bags that you might have on hand

2. Take out pink, red or purple paint and a paint brush (one US mom suggested using a cut potato, an extra step, but also fun)

3. Entice you child to paint heart shapes or anything they wish on the squares; forget classmates names or your child’s name (that’s a lot of work to add either or both)

4. Let them dry, put them all in one paper bag and deliver to school at your next drop off

This Valentine’s, one of my previous secret wishes did come true: we are actually traveling during the festivities! (We delivered Jonas’s cards before we left). But even if we had stayed, I would have felt more ease with how we approached the holiday this time around.

And, to add a little extra fun for my boys for Valentine’s, I got them a heart-shaped bath bomb each, and dye-free heart-shaped gummies and lollipops for our flight—and based on their wildly excited responses, I felt like with my newfound approach, I might be ready to revisit my feelings for Valentine’s Day. I might even have some energy left to celebrate with a glass of bubbly with my husband.

PS. I got this text from Jonas’s teacher after she received the cards:

If you enjoyed these tips for more bandwidth, don’t forget to “like” this post!

Would you try any of these tips for Valentine’s Day or any other school holiday that asks for parent participation?

PS. Share this with friends who might feel overwhelmed with kids’ Valentine’s Day!

Annabella Daily

Read more posts for Nordic-style Bandwidth for Moms at scandiclass.substack.com!