What Jess Keys Does Not Do
An American mom and a Finnish mom walk into a Substack... and reveal everything they do not do, do less off, or ignore all together to lighten the load.
What if I told you that Jess Keys—of the popular Substack Notes From Jess—does not give her four-year-old an iPad in the car? That she ate a Valentine’s Day sucker for “breakfast dessert”? That she has officially quit paying attention to Spirit Days?
I know. Same. She's the kind of mom we all want to be friends with. Finally, someone who says how it (actually) is and won’t try to “optimize you”. She's also perfect for the Scandi Class series Lightening the Load — my prettified version of "Lowering the Bar," the literal translation of a phrase Finnish moms use as we share how we're making parenting less hard and more enjoyable.
I sent Jess my six favorite questions, and every answer feels like permission to do motherhood more on our own terms, not according to expectations that are impossible to meet.
This means that I’m doing something a little different with this one. Below you’ll find Jess’s full answers — as well as a short Nordic-mom take from me beneath each! I literally had to reply to Jess’s answers, aka double down on giving you permission to do you (or as we say in Finnish: ’tee lisää sitä mikä toimii’ — ‘do what works’) twice over.
So, below, please enjoy. Two moms. Finnish & American. Six unfiltered answers each.
And a huge welcome if you’re new here, and from Jess’s world! Pour the coffee, and let’s get started.
And if you are new to Jess, open this in a new tab to subscribe to Notes from Jess!
1. What’s a parenting rule you skip in your house that would horrify your former pre-kid self?
Pre-kid, I thought I would never give her sugar or keep any sugar in the house. We are quite far from that reality now. While I do want to try reigning it in more, I also don’t want to deprive her. I like to tell her that some foods are good for our body, but others are good for our soul, and that it’s a balance. I say this as I just let her eat a Valentine’s Day sucker for “breakfast dessert.”
From Annabella’s house: In Finland, kids have karkkipäivä — candy day. Once a week, it’s a much-anticipated sweets fest; the rest of the week, there’s none. I'd forgotten all about it living in the US, and it took me years to bring it back. But once I did, it stopped the daily whining over sweets and made it something I can’t wait for, too: we pick candies from a Swedish candy store, or get ice cream cones, or bake a chocolate cake. But we are a work-in-progress too: I occasionally add chocolate chips to a nutritious food to get my kids to eat it.
2. What’s your weekday-morning trick to thrive — the thing that allows you to also take care of yourself and get ready?
I think one of my power moves is morning bathtime. It’s so much easier to get her into the bath, whereas at the end of the day, she always fights it. Once she’s in, she’ll stay in there playing for an HOUR! Sometimes more! I can sit outside the bathroom and get some work done; I can sit and read a book or crochet.
Another one is that I will often squeeze in a 10-12-minute standing Pilates flow (I love Melissa Wood Health’s workouts!) at the kitchen counter while she eats or plays in the AM. It really makes a difference, and I know 10 minutes a day doesn’t sound like a lot, but it adds up!
It’s such a myth that we believe we don’t have time to ourselves, or that we can’t do things “for us” while our kids are around.
From Annabella’s house:
I love this. My version: long showers from a very young age, as soon as they can safely move, sit, and stand on their own! Sticky mat on the shower floor, a couple of favorite toys or buckets and cans or items that feel like a science project and you have eons of time! You can get things done in a different room. (Finns in Finland would frown on water use, but, hey, they have universal childcare).
3. What do your kids do independently that you keep a secret, because other parents might still be doing that for their children?
Oooh, a big one is that she never has anything to entertain her in the car.
Part of this is because we’ve never made it a habit to give her anything to entertain her during car rides (except on multi-hour ones). And, because she gets carsick, watching an iPad isn’t ideal anyway. But I rarely tell people this because in American culture, it’s just normal to keep an iPad (or other forms of entertainment) in the car for the kids who demand it the second they get in.
She’s usually content chatting with me, enjoying some good music, and staring out the window for up to two hours!
Being bored is kind of the point!
From Annabella’s house:
In Finland, most kids need to walk, ride a scooter and/or take a tram, train or bus at that age, to wherever they are going, so iPads during transportation are not an option! So, I actually somehow didn’t even think of iPads on shorter trips, which I’m now so happy about! Boredom isn’t a problem to solve. It’s where every good idea—and space to think—hides.
For longer car rides, I have brought books, music devices with headphones and small games like Rubik's cubes though. I do save iPads for the longer rides (in an attempt, not always successful, to stop the three brothers from fighting on the backseats).
Agree with everything Jess just said? Tap the heart to like this post, it’s like saying “hi! I was here!”—and share with a mom friend 💙
4. What school-related thing have you quietly decided to care less about?
Spirit week. Oh my god, Spirit weeks have gotten so out of hand.
There are so many of them that they often require buying new items or even costumes! If we have the items at home, maybe I’ll remember to dress her accordingly, but I don’t really even bother to pay attention anymore. This is starting to become her responsibility to remember.
It has REALLY stressed me out in the past. Mostly because I don’t understand the point of making so much work for parents when kids are too young to know what’s going on anyway!
But I’ve learned to let it go and say, “this just isn’t my brand of mom,” 😆 rather than care about this stuff. As she gets older, it will be solely on her to spearhead her spirit week outfits, if it’s important to her.
Not my circus, not my monkeys.
From Annabella’s house:
Yes. THIS! Spirit Week isn’t on the Finnish radar at all — when I tell my Finnish friends about it, they literally don’t believe me. One told me that she thinks asking parents for that much extra work would be illegal (I’m sure it’s not but I’m also sure no school has made such demands!). The most radical thing my kids do at school is be themselves; if they find out about it and want to dress a certain way based on what’s in their closet, that’s amazing—but no, it’s not something a Finnish mom would ever take on. Limits, you know. American parents, hear me—and Jess— out: it is okay to opt out!
5. What’s your “I’m done for the day” parenting move?
My husband and I trade off who handles bedtime while the other handles the dishes.
When I have dish duty, I listen to an audiobook (which I secretly love). I always end the day with a very hot shower to transition into my own time!
From Annabella’s house:
My version is the sauna night, or morning, in our Connecticut backyard — at least weekly. Lighting the wood-burning sauna starts the transition from mom-mode to recharge mode. I feel so renewed after a sauna session.
6. What’s one shortcut you rely on that makes family life noticeably easier?
A couple of things stand out:
1. I outsource everything I possibly can with zero guilt.
Instead of hiring someone to help me in my business, I hired a house manager, and it was the best decision I’ve ever made. She does all the laundry, she tidies the house, she runs errands for me, anything domestically I need help with–she’s amazing. She comes from 11-5 every Tuesday, and those few hours per week save my sanity.
2. We opt out of most “kid” activities because they are draining for us.
And there are plenty of things we do that we enjoy as a family unit instead–this is better for everyone involved. The only extracurricular we’ve ever signed her up for is swimming lessons.
She will be doing T-ball this year (she’s almost five), but this will be the first organized activity we’ve ever done. I am incredibly protective of our time outside of work and school, and I intend to be ruthless about it as long as I possibly can!
3. This isn’t a shortcut, but really, trying to be as aware of my OWN values as possible.
And looking at everything through the lens of, “am I doing this/acting this way/saying yes/etc. because this is aligned with MY values? Or because I feel like I “should”. Without doing this, it’s really easy to fall into the trap of autopilot, just getting through the day and never enjoying your life! Ensuring I’m operating out of alignment makes life 1000x easier and more enjoyable!
From Annabella’s House:
I co-sign the entire thing. My one-line version: say YES to fewer obligations. Every obligation comes with a never-ending list of admin and logistics. My three boys do one competitive sport per season each and even with that, I hire help for driving. Otherwise it’s too much. We tend to forget how much support parents in countries like the Nordics get just because they live and pay taxes there. We deserve that too. We tend to have lower taxes, yet we don’t spend the difference on support—because “you got this, mama!”
I’m planning on hiring a house manager starting this fall to be able to focus on what matters most: my family and my work. Outsourcing without guilt is the most underrated parenting move, and I will die on this hill with Jess.
Huge thanks to Jess for these answers — I hope these felt like a big exhale: “yes, we can do less, and with that, achieve so much more.” Go subscribe to Notes From Jess here.
And if you found Scandi Class through this post — I’m so happy you are here. Welcome to your Nordic Mom Era, and stick around! New letters every week.
And, which of Jess’s answers do you most want to steal? Drop it in the comments — Jess and I both read every one. (And tell us: what would YOUR answer be to one of these?)
Can’t wait to chat!
And, if you want to keep on reading, here are a few of my most popular posts:
Agree with all of these! I’m in the UK and there is such social pressure to be “doing” with your kids. This is the first half term (week off in the middle of summer term) that I’ve said, no, we’re going to pretend we’re all on holiday and sit in the garden for a week. The kids are so much happier amusing themselves than being loaded in and out of the car and I’ve been so much more relaxed. I even managed to finish a book 😆
Love Jess! I’m a few years older, with slightly older kids, but I’ve loved watching her share her more easy-going way of parenting. Also, you keep sharing ladies who I’ve followed for years (Courtney Adamo, too!), and now that I’m off Instagram I love seeing them here! ❤️