4 Things That Shocked Me Back in the US

First up: While parent group chats for school and sports in Scandinavia include moms and dads, in the US, many are just for moms. Where's the American dad?

DISCLAIMER: Who is this #substack for? For moms and dads and future parents who crave for more balance in their lives and are curious about Scandinavian lifestyle. (If you are not, then this might not be for you!)

Here, you find ways to look at life through the Nordic lens, and find ways to test drive Scandinavian ways in your own life.

In order to avoid confusion, even if I might want to change something in my own life, this is not a critique towards anything or anyone else—this is purely my own personal story, seeing my own American life now through my own Nordic lens.

Many people might love things just as they are, and that’s OK! The Nordic way of life is not for everyone, but for me, it provided all the balance I dreamed of. In this newsletter, I’m exploring how—and if —I can apply my Scandinavian discoveries into my family’s life Stateside.

On a dark and rainy December evening, as our Delta flight touched down on the runway at the JFK airport in New York, I turned on my phone and saw a lovely message from an American friend: “Welcome home!”

I loved her gesture, but inside my feelings were mixed. Somehow, after living in Scandinavia for almost five months, America now felt less like home. Instead, Helsinki had started to feel like home—home I necessarily didn’t want to leave.

When we lived in NYC, we were all about the hustle. Now, not so much. These days, balance is king. Here, us in NYC a couple days ago, but just for fun.

Of course, I craved for our house and all things our own, but the Nordic life had felt so refreshingly modern & so balanced, I knew I would have my work cut out for me trying to recreate some of that in the US.

But, I knew I couldn’t go back to living life in America like we had before—a life with simply too much unnecessary overwhelm and anxiety.

Forces of Change

So this holiday break, I set out to recreate my, and my family’s American life.

If you crave for more balance too, no matter where you live, join me in taking these small actions to manifest Nordic-style balance. After all, some of that balance comes from surprisingly small things—with big impact.

As Finn, I should be a natural born master of the snowball effect?:-)

4 Surprisingly Small Things with Massive Impact

I will cover (and vote at the end what you really want to hear and chat with me about!):

1. mom message chains and how I’m working to include dads too, or bowing out

2. how I teach independence skills to my boys, so they can take on most morning and evening routine tasks (yes, including making their own school lunch) and do their own sports prep

3. how & why I leave time for unstructured, free, free play instead of booking just paid after-school activities—and why I feel that’s a game changer for parents

4. How do I manage my time differently, after seeing how Scandinavian moms do life?

After reading, make sure to comment so we can chat

“Mom Duties” & “Mom texts”

As we got closer to the first day of the spring semester—my boys’ first day of school in the US for this school year—I got a text from a lovely mom who also has a child in my kids’ class.

She was kindly messaging me a reminder about “Mom Duties” for the class (I’m glad she did; parents taking turns buying snacks for the class was something I had forgotten as it hadn’t been part of our Nordic routine). She also—kindly—included me in a separate Class Moms messaging chain.

Soon after that, I got a note from yet another mom: “Hey! I can add you to the Travel Soccer Team Moms text chain!”

Now, coming from Finland, where none of the message chains were just for moms, I couldn’t help but think:

“What happened to the dads?”

I crossed an ocean, but with that flight, when it came to communications about the kids, dads had suddenly dropped out or been dropped out of all channels. And moms handled it all. Is this the case for you too?

Moms’ Extra Job

Every school is different, but weekly, in the American school that I also absolutely love for my kids, many moms participate in the school day doing very sweet extra activities with the kids, from baking to doing arts and crafts.

I never thought it was anything out of ordinary—until I moved to Finland. To my great surprise, parents were not involved in daycare or school activities in any way besides arranging a rare bake sale or a holiday party. Parents, or moms, also don’t make school lunches or snacks (schools have kitchens with chefs) and typically don’t even take their kids to school (kids go by themselves!). But in America, parent—or mom involvement—seems to be at an all time high.

Sitting at a corner table in a new, vibrantly decorated Helsinki restaurant overlooking the Christmas-lights decorated esplanade, I told my Finnish friend, that going back to the US—with all the added responsibilities—and the mom guilt that I get from not participating in school activities during the day—“do my boys think I don’t care if I’m one of the only moms that doesn’t show up in the middle of the day?”, stressed me out.

“Looking at these mom tasks from a different point of view, I think the bigger picture here is that your boys are seeing moms always being free during the day to participate in their school day—not dads. How do you change stereotypes about women and men’s role in a society if that’s how they form their worldview?”

Right. If parent participation was a key part of a school culture, could the participation be gender-equalized? Couldn’t a dad Facetime and show off a trading desk, or Zoom in to teach legally binding negotiation tactics?

Seeing it all through a Nordic lens

Partly terrified that I’m rocking the boat too much, and partly excited to see if my actions can cause even a small change, I start my Nordic-style “balance activism” with these carefully drafted text message responses.

This first one was to the Mom Duties text chain:

This one was to the Class Mom chain:

And this response was when I was asked if I would like to be added to my son’s soccer team’s Mom Text Chain:

For soccer, I added that if it’s just a mom thing, I would ideally not be included. All my husband and I need to know is, where & what time is the game:-) What responses do you think I got? Am I trying to change something that cannot change? Maybe moms do want to handle these and don’t want it to change? Is it just me, after experiencing the Nordic lifestyle?

Less Hustle, More “Thank You, But No”

I must point out one elephant in the room. Now that my husband is taking on a lot more —as a lot of what I have covered here is considered a mom’s job—and sharing the “invisible work” of, for example, communicating about all things kids— his life is essentially getting harder to manage, while my life is getting slightly easier in terms of creating more time for me to pursue my work.

So sharing more equally is not a simple solution. For example, in the US, parents in general have a lot more responsibilities and expectations than in Scandinavia. So a big part of achieving balance is to simply say no, opt out, decline, bow out—and to do only what’s 100% necessary and “just enough”, so you can have the time & space to focus on what most matters to you. For us, it’s less scheduling, more snuggles, and to have all the areas of our life in balance, without skipping one part for another.

Don’t forget to press the heart-shaped like button to say “hi!”

1. How I teach my kids independence at home, so we all have more balance, even if they can’t be as independent “outside of the home”?

2. How I get my kids outside every day, no matter the weather, and how could we all free our kids to just play, and play outside, without only scheduled, structured and paid activities or paid play spaces, again to create more balance in all of our lives?

3. How do I manage my time differently, after seeing how Scandinavian moms do life?

   xx Annabella - find me on Insta!